It’s nearly Thanksgiving. And I am grateful. I have been blessed, it’s certain. And what better time to proudly announce the things I am thankful for than during the time of year when it is entirely forced? Like the rest of you, I am thankful for coffee, and my friends, and online quizzes that I take multiple times so I can act like Buzzfeed is some sort of Facebook-only Oracle at Delphi (11 tries to get Groundskeeper Willy).
I am grateful for simple things, too: Soup. My dog. A host of other things, I’m sure.
Today, I am especially grateful for Train Graffiti.
In honor of those mobile artists (and this time of mandatory thankfulness), I penned some letters to all responsible for the particularly inspiring train seat that I found myself occupying today.
Dear Conscientious Carnivore,
Thank you for your concern. When you wrote, with me in mind, “Eat More Meat,” I knew that you cared for me. And my wellbeing. I know you don’t know me. And you had no reason to offer up your sage wisdom. Yet, you boldly proclaimed your advice to all future passengers that might grace the first seat of the second car without a concern for political correctness or defacing private property. With your fine point Sharpie and your graceful sans-serif font, you stare the most vigilant vegetarian in the face and say, “Yeah, you too, hippie. Meat’s good for you.” And it is good for you. Hippie. And I will heed your advice, Conscientious Carnivore. Thanks. I feel better now.
Dear Untrained Drawer of Private Parts,
I have been following your work for some time now. At first, I thought it was fate that I saw your work in the middle school restroom and then inherited your Geometry book in high school. I admit it was strange that you were one step ahead of me, drawing genitalia in each Mobil Station restroom on my trip to the Grand Canyon. A poorly drawn, phallic roadmap. Thank you for occupying my seat before me and cementing your crudely hewn people parts in my mind. Thanks for being as juvenile as ever, for never changing. Never grow up, Untrained Drawer of Private Parts (and never seek out art classes). The jigsaw puzzle that is the human anatomy never looked so…amorphous.
Dear Cover-up Artist with a Love of Animals,
Thanks for your keen understanding of the commuter train. It should be a safe place for passengers of all ages and sensitivities. And as much as I appreciate a cartoon drawing of breasts and penises, not all are so entertained. But you know how to maintain the all ages appropriateness of the train. A true champion of the PG lifestyle. Thank you, for turning those breasts into droopy-eyed rodents not indigenous to North America. Thank you for converting that penis into an aardvark basking in the sun. Thank you, Cover-up Artist with a Love of Animals, for taking a weirdly specific sex act, and creating a weirdly specific grunge band comprised of AKC recognized breeds. The Cairn terrier refusing to use a bass pick was a particularly nice touch. But I don’t need to tell you that.
Dear Supplier of Phone Numbers for Those Interested In a Good Time,
I called the number you provided. The person on the other end was not interested in a good time. He also seemed perturbed that I inquired about it. Thanks for trying.
Dear Guy or Girl Who Adds A Few Well Placed Words to Change Everyday Graffiti Phrases into Much More Comical Graffiti Phrases,
I was immediately drawn to the standard Tree Trunk Carving phrases on the back of the seat, much as you were. It warmed my heart to see that “Kirk hearts Erica”. And I was glad to see that my suspicions about whether or not “Katie and Grace were probably here” were not misplaced. Upon closer inspection, however, I saw your addenda. Made in pencil. Modest in size. And well played, sir or ma’am. Kirk thought he was professing his love. After your change, the whole world now knows that “Kirk hearts Erica’s butt”. Even better, your insinuation that “Katie and Grace were probably here, sucking.” Comic genius. I can only imagine your wry smile as you crafted your joke, just for me. Thanks Guy or Girl Who Adds A Few Well Placed Words to Change Everyday Graffiti Phrases into Much More Comical Graffiti Phrases.